Wahahahaah, this Banana found this funny little thing while browsing for some *ahem* danmei 😛
Although this novel doesn’t show the *ahem* directly, I felt it is enjoyable enough :3
Plus Banana is being careful now after that stupid suspension (ah, I still don’t know the reason for suspension yet but it’s better to be careful :v ) _(;3/
One thing to note is this is a short and simple novel, meant to be funny so please don’t mind some illogical parts. Else, it won’t be funny anymore _(;3/
Chapter 1 : I was ‘rubbed’ by the Founder of the Evil Cult
Lin Ran wore a red wedding robe and sat upright on the bed; he felt like he wanted to collapse.
About half an hour ago, he reluctantly accepted the fact that he has transmigrated. Although it makes no sense, as he was just sleeping in his bedroom, but then transmigration originally needs no reason to happen. What’s more, Lin Ran felt that he maybe could open his ‘golden finger’1 from the protagonist halo and step towards the peak of life from now on.
Looking at the bridal chamber with gorgeous decors, and himself wearing a wedding robe, he probably is marrying some young lady from an influential family.
Kinda happy, hehe.
However, a man in black suddenly jumped in from the window just now, claiming himself as Lin Ran’s shixiong(senior brother). Seeing Lin Ran looking kind of blank, he anxiously repeated their mission again to Lin Ran. Only then Lin Ran realized that he is actually a guard from the Liushan Sect, and he(LR) came here to be an undercover.
Lin Ran : “Looking at the setting, am I marrying the Evil Cult Founder’s daughter?”
Shixiong who was so anxious that he slapped his head : “Did you turned silly from the sleep? You are going to marry the Founder as a little concubine, serving beside him day and night to spy on him ah.”
Lin Ran immediately touched himself down there, and found out that his ‘thing’ is still there : “Did you get it wrong? I am a man.”
Shixiong who was so anxious that he jumped up : “Didn’t I told you before? The Founder likes men, and has more than 10 male concubines. You are number 18.”
Lin Ran almost fainted.
Shixiong getting suspicious : “What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to ‘run away before the battle’?”
Lin Ran nodded madly : “Yes yes yes, I want to run away before the battle. Bye Shixiong.”
Shixiong grabbed him back : “No way!”
Lin Ran : “I will mess this up, seriously. I got amnesia.”
Shixiong sneered : “Pretend, keep pretending. In the Liushan Sect, who doesn’t know that you little rascal know how to pretend the best? Else, we won’t send you here to become an undercover.”
Lin Ran painfully wiped his face : “I say, why are you guys going all out to spy the Evil Cult’s Founder? To the point of offering your own body.”
Shixiong with a face of righteousness : “We feel sweet(good) in our heart from serving the citizen.”
Lin Ran really wanted to cry : “Sweet your uncle ah! Of course, you are not the one being topped!”
Shixiong laughed and touched his own face : “Oh, I really wanted (to take your place) ah, but the other party don’t like me. This is the benefit of having a safe appearance. Look at you, fine and tender skin, pretty and delicate. Usually a lot of girls like this kind of face, but one always have to pay back for coming out to ‘play’2.”
Lin Ran pitifully cried and pounded Shixiong : “I don’t care, I can’t do it.”
Shixiong ignored him. He took a suspicious little pill bottle from his sleeves and handed it over to Lin Ran : “You should eat one first.”
Lin Ran took it : “What is this?”
Shixiong : ‘Spring’ medicine3.
Lin Ran : …
Shixiong with a righteous tone : “You need to sacrifice your body anyway so it’s better to make yourself comfortable. Give yourself lesser trouble. Else, if something happens later and you cried too much, causing the Founder to be unhappy, he won’t look for you anymore. Then how would you spy on him in the future?”
Lin Ran expressed his rejection, not planning to take the aphrodisi*c at all.
Shixiong saw that and resolutely struck Lin Ran’s acupoints. Then he poured out a small pill, forced open Lin Ran’s mouth to pop it in and washed the pill down with the wine on the table. While pouring the wine(down LR’s throat), Shixiong said, “Don’t blame Shixiong for being ruthless, Shixiong is doing it for your own good. Good luck, Old Eighteen.”
Lin Ran got choked and coughed.
At this moment, the sound of footsteps sounded from outside the door. Shixiong quickly released Lin Ran’s acupoint and ambiguously patted his shoulder, then flew out from the window.
Once Lin Ran is free, he started to induce vomiting on himself without caring for anything. He was in middle of dry vomiting when the door creaked open.
An elegant young man with a handsome face stood by the door, he is wearing a wedding robe as well. Deep black long hair that is not tied together was flew smoothly like a waterfall. A pair of ink-colored eyes faintly swept over Lin Ran, just like a celestial being.
However, Lin Ran at the moment : “Ou4— *cough cough*”
But nothing came out. Lin Ran wiped his saliva from the corner of his mouth, and got up in a hurry : “Hel- hello…”
The man’s expression was filled with ridicule : “You are my 18th Furen(wife)?”
Lin Ran nodded, and decided that the lesser he talked, the better it is : “Yes.”
Very obvious, this is the Founder of the Evil Cult. But he is not as fierce and evil like what Lin Ran imagined. With his appearance and temperament, there’s no problem in putting him inside a xianxia novel as a protagonist at all.
The Founder slightly smiled : “What are you vomiting just now?”
Lin Ran waved his hand : “Nothing, just felt unwell.”
The Founder’s smile was so perfect that it looked like a mask : “You got pregnant that soon?”
Lin Ran looked at him with a complicated gaze : …
The Founder slightly laughed. He waved his hand and put out the light from a few candles, leaving only one lighted. Then he openly took off his wedding robe and went to bed.
The Founder : “Sleep.”
Lin Ran hesitated and felt that the situation is not very good. He decided to find an excuse to run away : “I have a stomachache, need to go to the toi… latrine.”
The Founder pulled out a chamber pot from under the bed: “Here.”
Lin Ran : “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
The Founder’s gaze sharpened : “You lied to me?”
Lin Ran : “It hurts now.”
The Founder : “Quickly settle it.”
Lin Ran dragged his feet and placed the chamber pot in a corner of the room, hoping to bluff his way out.
The Founder : “Old Eighteen, how come you don’t take off your pants to poop?”
Lin Ran could only take off his pants and sat on the chamber pot like an idiot. He keep thinking of the meaning for his transmigration while put the effort (to poop). Very obvious, it was not for the sake of letting him open his ‘golden finger’ and reach the pinnacle of life. He didn’t transmigrate into a Q*dian novel but J*wxc novel instead. Moreover, it might be those not-so-decent type of novel, this is bad.
Lin Ran sat on the chamber pot and trying to force it, but nothing is nothing.
Founder : “You must be lying to me.”
Lin Ran pitifully lied : “No, really. It was painful all of a sudden but now it didn’t hurt anymore.”
Founder : *pfft*
Lin Ran : …
Founder coldly said, “Fine, come and sleep.”
Lin Ran doesn’t dare to make trouble anymore, so he bit the bullet and went to bed with his robe.
The Founder reached out to block him(from the bed) : “Strip.”
Lin Ran deeply sighed and made mental preparation for ‘little daisy5 to wither’. With much dedication, he stripped off his wedding robe, climbed to the bed and laid down. In his heart, he keep reminded himself that he is a guard, and is doing his duties for the sake of the citizens. Performing his duties will make him feel sweet(good) in his heart.
However, after waiting for a long while, the Founder didn’t pounce at him. He didn’t even spare a glance at Lin Ran, just leaning on his side to sleep. Lin Ran heaved a sigh of relief. He has just escape a calamity but he couldn’t sleep from the anxiousness. Hence, he could only zone out at the bed’s curtain while thinking of what to do in the future. However, as he was in the midst of his thoughts, all he could think of was those bad things. And his lower body slowly started to react.
Lin Ran : …
And at this moment, the Founder suddenly turned his body at him.
Lin Ran hurriedly pulled the quilt to cover his lower body : “… you, you haven’t sleep yet ah.”
The Founder raised his eyebrow, then pulled the quilt to his side : “I’m cold.”
Lin Ran gave a dry laugh. In order to cover his lower body, he risked his life to fight for the quilt with the Founder of Evil Cult : “I,I’m cold too.”
The Founder slightly smiled and hugged Lin Ran : “Husband will hold you to sleep.”
Lin Ran was forced to snuggle inside the Founder’s arms. Because of the aphrodisi*c’s effect, that ‘something’ stood up and unfortunately poked the Founder’s thigh.
With an unsmiling smile, the Founder uttered an ‘En’ with a rising tone then grabbed Lin Ran’s ‘something’ and asked, “What is this?”
Lin Ran was silent for a moment: “… you don’t have?”
Founder : “How can it be?”
Lin Ran : “Then why you asked?”
The Founder’s eyes squinted dangerously.
My name is Lin Ran, I have never thought that I would ever be ‘rubbed’ by the Founder of an Evil Cult. Plus it was very enjoyable. What I didn’t expect was he actually went to bed after he finished ‘rubbing’.
The other party was the Founder of an Evil Cult. In the wedding night with his 18th little concubine, he didn’t nothing other than giving his little concubine a rub. The Founder must be someone who cannot ‘get up’.
Lin Ran make that conclusion, and became relaxed all of a sudden.
He slept soundly after that.
Word count : 2328
Banana : Btw, Banana will try to release the rest of the chapters together so please gimme some time to translate it m(_ _)m